Then I Saw [by Invite Only]

[Sam Winchester]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style, background: url(http://i52.tinypic.com/do8d8x.jpg) center bottom no-repeat; outline: 2px solid #232a00; width: 500px; height: 600px; padding: 0px;, bTable] It was amazing to study the difference between Zee now and earlier. It was like she'd stepped into the shower and washed years off of herself, the girl who returned to his room was just that. A girl. A girl with years tagged on, age that trailed behind her despite the youthfulness of her body. His shirt looked ridiculous on her, just as he'd known it would. However, he hadn't raised his voice in protest, so it was fine, obviously, that she wear his shirt. It brought to mind, oddly, Ruby's wearing of Chris's sweatshirt. What was with women and wearing men's clothing? He watched silently as she adjusted his shirt, trying to ignore the slight twinge in his groin when he noticed her breasts were rather...braless. He was still just a man. A human, despite everything that he'd undergone and suffered. Sam's gaze settled on the skin peeking out from under his shirt. Her stomach...Where the baby resided. It was still mind-boggling that it had even happened. And the fact that she was already showing reminded him just how tiny she was. She was almost childlike compared to him and it surprised him that she could survive hunting a cat. Sam sternly reminded himself that size mattered very little when it came to hunting. He could have watched her for the rest of the night, but that was rather impossible as it would be rude to stare for such a long period of time. Hell, he was probably being rude already. Tearing his gaze from her slight form and to his salad, he picked it up and poured some dressing on it before picking at it absently with his fork. "Well, I think that we should stick together. And I would assume that, as the parents, we are responsible for his naming. Medical care...That one has me, admittedly, stumped. There's Letty, who took care of me while I was..." He went silent, struggled and turned away from her. "Anyway. I don't plan on staying with the band. When they leave, I'll be splitting from them for a while. I needed a safe haven while I was lost, but I've found myself. At least, as much as I can, so I'm taking Adam and leaving." He glanced at her thoughtfully. "We could join you. That way I could assure myself that your stabby tendencies weren't putting our son in danger. And..." He trailed off again, realizing he'd just laid claim to the baby. Shared claim with her. His gaze jumped to the darkest corner of the room and he tensed visibly. "No...No, nevermind. I can't travel with you safely. I mean, you can't. With me. I have to take Adam, I need to find a way to help him. But I-we...I would be unsafe." His words were quiet, subdued. Sam turned to her, his body still far too tense for the quiet, intimate setting. "I'm not safe right now, Zee. I don't even trust my own instincts and that could put you in grave danger. No one needs to protect you, but...In this one thing, I can at least keep the baby safe from myself." It wasn't the monsters he was worried about, but his own sense of reality. It was easy to put up a strong front for Adam, he had to. Or, at least he told himself that much. However, Lucifer was so strong and, even now, he could smell scorching metal, could hear Adam screaming. His hands trembled and he gripped his dish harder to try to staunch it. "I'm not safe." It was a whisper this time, angry and scared. [style=padding: 0px 10px; font-size: smaller;] Location: NYNY Casino, Las Vegas Wearing: White T-shirt and jeans. Music: Empire of Dirt - Johnny Cash Notes: He's terrified, but unwilling to admit it. [/style]

[Zee Pritchard]

[style=opacity: 0.65; filter:alpha(opacity=65); margin: 0px; font-family: "Palatino Linotype", "Palatino", Georgia, serif; color: #000; text-shadow: 1px 1px 2px #ada39d; font-size: 1.1em; text-align: left; padding: 5px 10px 5px 20px; width: 300px; height: 590px; float: right; overflow-y: auto; z-index: 20;]
Already starting to answer about the medical care when Sam broke off and started in about being untrustworthy Zee went quiet and her eyes widened. Not with alarm, with annoyance.

"Knock it off, Stretch." She abandoned her potatoes, not without regret, and stood up to march around the table. The dining chairs were on casters to help them move on the thick carpeting, so she was able to yank his chair back away from the table and crawl right up onto the chair with him, straddle his lap on her knees. It wasn't sexual, or not deliberately so right now, though she'd admitted to herself over the course of this conversation that she was still ridiculously drawn to Sam. But the point right now was to put herself way into his personal space, to give him no choice but to put his full attention on her and not on his private pain.

Her hands slid into his hair, there was a vivid recollection of that night in Shreveport, but she didn't get distracted. "Look at me." She tilted his head back with her grip on his hair, not violent or rough but very determined. "Sam, I'm perfectly capable of deciding whether or not you're too dangerous to be around. And I think we both know that if I decide you are, I won't be shy about saying it. I talked to Eve Amherst about what's been going on and got a basic idea of how you've been lately, and I'm supposed to go talk to your father to get the full rundown of all the things you're not going to tell me. But in the end I'll make my own judgment."

"I'm not afraid of you. I know you won't hurt me, or the baby. I know that about you, because I know who you are. Who you were before you were taken, who you were when they'd split you in half, who you were with the Wall, who you are now. I may know you better than you know yourself. And all the versions of you there've ever been? Wouldn't hurt me."

She shook her head and grimaced. "And you don't really have any idea how rare that is. How hard it is for me to feel that way about a man. So how about you say, 'Thank you, Zee, for trusting me' and then you trust me to bring you down if you start going 'round the bend?"

[style=font-size: smaller; padding-right: 10px; text-align: right;]
Location: Sam's Hotel Room, NYNY Casino, Las Vegas
Outfit: A black and cream striped tee and jeans, way more Juno than her usual look
Music: Falling - Julee Cruse
Notes: She's not eloquent, but she's firm.

[/style][/style]

[Sam Winchester]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style, background: url(http://i52.tinypic.com/do8d8x.jpg) center bottom no-repeat; outline: 2px solid #232a00; width: 500px; height: 600px; padding: 0px;, bTable] Sam didn't hear her words at first. He seemed to have fallen back into the Pit until suddenly there she was, in his face, smelling like hotel soap in the middle of his personal nightmare. Fingers gripped his hair, forced his head to tilt up and face her. Well, not really forced as he was more than willing to follow any sort of route out of his own mind. He focused solely on her, on the words she spoke, struggling with himself to push the pit back into a corner of his mind where it belonged. He wanted to argue, tell her that she was putting too much faith in him, but he stopped himself. He wanted her to feel comfortable telling him if and when he'd become unsafe. And telling her that she was wrong now would ony create an argument. He might not believe he was safe for her, might not have any faith in himself, but he could believe in her judgment. He searched his many memories, checking the truth of her words. It was true that he'd never tracked her down while soulless, nor had he raged at her when the wall had been placed in his head. Beforehand, he hadn't had a reason to hurt her, they were friends. Now, he just wanted to avoid it. Carefully, Sam cleared his throat. "Thank you, Zee, for trusting me." He took a solid grip on reality, wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, inhaling the scent that lingered on her skin, reminding himself again that this was real. Not a hallucination. He could do this, he reminded himself. For Adam, and now for Zee and the baby as well. He schooled his expression, beating back the internal agony, the insanity. When he felt strong enough to fight off the hallucinations on his own again, he relinquished his hold on her. He hadn't truly wanted to let go, would have preferred to hold on, but it wasn't fair to the conversation. "I'm glad someone can trust me. I will claw my way back out, to sanity. I will." He glanced at the hotel room. "I'm tired of being stationary. I need to get back out and moving. It might help settle everything." Sam turned the full power of those green eyes on Zee. "So, if you don't mind quite a bit of insanity, I'd like to ask if Adam and I can tag along with you when everyone breaks apart. I can hold onto reality." He gestured half-heartedly at a knife that sat on his nightstand. "Ruby told me off for it, but...pain helps. It's hard to explain." He wasn't all sunshine and roses, but neither was he declaring himself to be the worst person to travel with either. He drew in a deep, steadying breath. "We were talking about medical care?" [style=padding: 0px 10px; font-size: smaller;] Location: NYNY Casino, Las Vegas Wearing: White T-shirt and jeans. Music: Empire of Dirt - Johnny Cash Notes: Stuffing the terror down, back to reality. [/style]

[Zee Pritchard]

[style=opacity: 0.65; filter:alpha(opacity=65); margin: 0px; font-family: "Palatino Linotype", "Palatino", Georgia, serif; color: #000; text-shadow: 1px 1px 2px #ada39d; font-size: 1.1em; text-align: left; padding: 5px 10px 5px 20px; width: 300px; height: 590px; float: right; overflow-y: auto; z-index: 20;]
When Sam took hold of her, Zee wrapped her arms around him and petted at his hair and shoulders, up and down the back of his neck. She bent her head over his and tried to give him some sense of being sheltered despite the comical difference in their sizes. She could feel a fine shiver moving across his upper back, it had her holding him tighter and resting her cheek on the top of his head. It occurred to her, dim and fleeting and then gone again before she could really get a hold on it, that it wasn't really fair that she was so willing to hold on to Sam this way, to comfort him and think no less of him while he was wracked by his private pain while being herself unable to let anyone else do the same for her. Later, maybe, the thought would come back, would get her reconsidering her own stringent standards of self control. But for the moment it was just a thought, there and gone and not nearly as important as the man who was shivering in her arms.

It was a disappointment of sorts when he pulled away, she was honest enough with herself to admit that. She liked the touch, the contact. Zee didn't have enough touch in her life, not really, and especially not since she'd cut herself off from casual sex. It was most of why she didn't climb up from where she was kneeling over his lap, not right away. "You'll pull your shit together," she said, sounding very calm about it. "And you'll get moving again. It's what hunters do."

She tucked his hair back behind his ears, knowing it would flop free immediately and just fine with that as it had all been an excuse to touch him anyway. "Okay, we'll head out together. I wanna talk to you about Adam first, because I never met him and I'll feel weird about it if I don't get more of his story than the bare bones I've got now. I know he's your brother, or half-brother, or stepbrother or something. I know he was with you where you were after you died. But that's all Eve had, other than that he's 'nice' and 'pretty messed up'. But basically? Sure, I'm cool with it. The Challenger's big enough for three."

When he gestured to the knife on the table she glanced over at it, then back to him, then down to the small bandages and unbandaged cuts on his hands and wrists. "Uh huh." Zee reached behind her and unfastened the clasp on one of the several necklaces she wore, coming up with a crude nail cross on a cheap black leather cord. She'd picked it up in Mexico, some combination of the Dios de los Muertos celebration she'd been there for and figuring out she was pregnant while she was there had given Zee a strong attraction to the iconography of the Day of the Dead, Santa Muerte, and the cruder and (to her mind) more honest symbols of faith.

She picked up Sam's hand and started wrapping the leather cord around his wrist, looping it several times until it made a comfortable bracelet and then tucking the cross into the cord so that it wouldn't flop free and bounce against his hand unless he chose to pull it free and let it. "Use this." It was an order, an instruction. "Grab onto it, or let it cut into your hand. It's your son's, I bought it for him. When you're done with it, we'll set it aside for him." There were scars on the back of Zee's neck from where she used to tug and rub at the ball chain of Paul's dogtags, pulling them against the skin and twisting them around her fist to give her something physical she could believe in.

"I've been going to a clinic in Colorado, not for any reason except that it was where the Planned Parenthood referred me when I told them about the tet. My Dad says that technically I'm still on Mom's health insurance, which I'm kinda eh about because I hate using my real name, but maybe should go ahead and let happen for the pregnancy because it'll already have my medical records attached and because the tests for heart performance are fucking expensive." She rubbed the heel of her hand between her breasts, absent and unattractive, feeling the phantom ache of the flaw that had been riding with her her entire life.


[style=font-size: smaller; padding-right: 10px; text-align: right;]
Location: Sam's Hotel Room, NYNY Casino, Las Vegas
Outfit: A black and cream striped tee and jeans, way more Juno than her usual look
Music: Falling - Julee Cruse
Notes: She's great with the practical.

[/style][/style]

[Sam Winchester]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style, background: url(http://i52.tinypic.com/do8d8x.jpg) center bottom no-repeat; outline: 2px solid #232a00; width: 500px; height: 600px; padding: 0px;, bTable] Just the simple idea of being touched soothed Sam's frayed nerves. He was constantly putting himself under pressure nowadays. Not to reveal anything, to be strong, meanwhile Hallucifer was kicking him in the stomach over and over again with little snippets of thing that seemed so incredibly real. There was a brief second where he thought he was actually alone, that Zee had been a figment of his imagination. It would have been so much easier to simply shatter and turn into some crazed, drooling mess. But he couldn't afford to. Not when people needed him. Adam, Zee, his son, they needed him to stay whole and complete. So, Sam soaked in Zee's touch, yearned for more despite pulling away. "I'll tell you as much as I can about Adam. At this point, I can safely say that there are very few, if any, secrets between us." He didn't even mention Dean, it wasn't worth it. Beyond that, it hurt too much to even talk about the brother who obviously had no need for him anymore. He wrapped his hand around the simple cross, feeling somewhat confused until Zee explained. Instinctively, Sam's hand tightened into a fist around the cross, letting the edges cut into his skin just enough to offer that small bit of pain he needed. The horrors took several leaps back, the blood disappeared from the walls, everything was back to normal. He was better able to focus on her with that edge of pain keeping the hallucinations at bay. Silently, he covered her hand with one of his over the scar in the middle of her chest. "We'll use your mom's health insurance. Every little bit will help and it'll be that much easier for us." He met her gaze, held it steadily. "Would you like to continue going to the clinic in Colorado? I'm completely fine with it." This time, he wrapped himself around her, pulled her in against his chest and pulled her food closer to his side of the table. "Don't let your food get cold." There was a silent question in his actions, his words. 'Can I just hold you for now?' [style=padding: 0px 10px; font-size: smaller;] Location: NYNY Casino, Las Vegas Wearing: White T-shirt and jeans. Music: Empire of Dirt - Johnny Cash Notes: Quiet affection. [/style]

[Zee Pritchard]

[style=opacity: 0.65; filter:alpha(opacity=65); margin: 0px; font-family: "Palatino Linotype", "Palatino", Georgia, serif; color: #000; text-shadow: 1px 1px 2px #ada39d; font-size: 1.1em; text-align: left; padding: 5px 10px 5px 20px; width: 300px; height: 590px; float: right; overflow-y: auto; z-index: 20;]

Zee found herself confused by her own reactions, largely because she wasn't really all that self-aware. She didn't know why she settled in comfortably on Sam's lap even as she picked up the bowl that held her mashed potatoes and a clean spoon that had technically been his, she thought it was because she was working her way toward trying to lure Sam back into bed, but while that was true it was also merely a side effect of what was really going on. The truth was that Zee had been feeling emotionally attached to Sam since she first did the math to figure out who the father was, and that even then it was only an extension of the crush she'd been nursing for years.

The reason that Sam had always irritated her to the point of constantly baiting him was exactly because he was the kind of man she wanted to be with but thought would never want her back, and because he was the kind of hunter she was very sure she would never manage to be. Well beyond simply being physically attracted to him, Sam drew at her and Zee wanted him whether she deserved him or not.

And so she turned slightly so that it was easy to see his face without shoving her food at him more than she had to and said, "The clinic's fine, or I was considering moving to one more in the midwest. I..." she hesitated, then didn't know why she had, "I was thinking about trying to find somewhere not too far from Bobby Singer's place, I gotta talk to him about it, but at some point I'll have to come off the road for a while and I'd rather be near somebody I know. I was figuring I could get an apartment in town or something. Or, I guess, we could?" She wasn't at all confident in that, she'd become so used to thinking of herself as having to go it alone.
[style=font-size: smaller; padding-right: 10px; text-align: right;]
Location: Sam's Hotel Room, NYNY Casino, Las Vegas
Outfit: A black and cream striped tee and jeans, way more Juno than her usual look
Music: Falling - Julee Cruse
Notes: Lying to herself all over the place.

[/style][/style]

[Sam Winchester]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style, background: url(http://i52.tinypic.com/do8d8x.jpg) center bottom no-repeat; outline: 2px solid #232a00; width: 500px; height: 600px; padding: 0px;, bTable] He was quiet, considering her words. "We could always stay at Bobby's. I don't know if I can stay off the board as long as I'd like to, but if I can keep you and Adam in a secured location, I'll feel better. And Bobby does have that panic room if worst comes to worst. I believe Bobby would be okay with letting us crash at his place for a time until we could move on or get a place of our own. I'm not above buying an RV if push comes to shove, Zee." He reached around her easily enough and forked up some of his salad. He munched on his leafy greens contentedly. It was nice to once more have someone to talk things out with. Another hunter. "I'm pretty sure we could find a doctor near Bobby, too. And, if you're really rather not crash at his place, it'd be no problem to call him up and see if he knows of any rentals in the area. We'll find a way to manage, even if I have to pull out Dean's credit cards." He grinned at the thought, the emotion real and light hearted despite the tension he'd felt only moments beforehand. "Zee...have you thought about what you want to name him?" Remembering that the child was male had Sam wanting to call Cas down and ask him some very important questions. Not yet, the angel was probably busy and he himself didn't want to get down to business so soon. [style=padding: 0px 10px; font-size: smaller;] Location: NYNY Casino, Las Vegas Wearing: White T-shirt and jeans. Music: Empire of Dirt - Johnny Cash Notes: Not so dire and crazy anymore. [/style]

[Zee Pritchard]

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"Paul." It was quiet, almost hesitant, but Zee had never even considered another name since she was first told that the baby was a boy. It had to be Paul, only that name would do. A way, she supposed, of honoring the man who had saved her but far more than that it was a way of putting herself into her son's life. From the time that Zee figured out who the father of the baby was she'd worried that she was going to be edged out of her child's life because only the Whinchester would matter. When Castiel showed up and started with the guilt trips, that fear had only grown stronger.

She wanted to be relevant in her son's life. She wanted to matter to him as much as his father did, or at least to register on his radar. And so she wanted him to carry Paul's name. To be named her herself as well as Sam.

And because that mattered as much as it did she said again, "I want him to be Paul. Paul Winchester." Because he was his father's too. She never wanted to deny Sam's heritage. Only to give her own a fair shake too.

A sickly smile and Zee took the last bite of her mashed potatoes before setting the bowl on the table and giving in to the urge to lay her head on Sam's shoulder and indulge in the fantasy that he would hold her like this for her won sake. "I'm willing to talk it over a bit, if that's a problem for you, but it's what I want. Paul Winchester, maybe Paul Robert for Bobby?"
[style=font-size: smaller; padding-right: 10px; text-align: right;]
Location: Sam's Hotel Room, NYNY Casino, Las Vegas
Outfit: A black and cream striped tee and jeans, way more Juno than her usual look
Music: Falling - Julee Cruse
Notes: She's fast losing the battle to stay detached.

[/style][/style]

[Sam Winchester]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=valign,top][atrb=style, background: url(http://i52.tinypic.com/do8d8x.jpg) center bottom no-repeat; outline: 2px solid #232a00; width: 500px; height: 600px; padding: 0px;, bTable] He considered the name, wrapping an arm around her absently to steady her when she relaxed against him. It was nice, he admitted, to hold someone in his arms again. Even if the circumstances were considerably different. "Paul Winchester." He murmured the name to himself, turning it over in his head. Paul was a good name. A solid name. And it fit the odd Winchester trend of naming children after dead people. He himself was named after his own deceased grandfather. Sam was perfectly alright with naming his child after another man. Paul had been with Zee for years, had been her mentor and lover and friend. "Paul Winchester it is. I do like Robert, Bobby's always been part of the family." He rolled that around in his head. "Paul might be the only child you ever have, Zee." He spoke as though he'd just realized this. Of course, he didnt intend to let her get killed if he could help it. But having a Winchester in her life, and giving birth to another would put her in the heart of things. "But, he'll have all the love any child could ever want and good heritage to boot. Yours." He wasn't so proud of his own lineage, it had gotten him killed more times than he could count. "You don't think he'll be tainted by...By Lucifer?" He tensed, realizing these weren't fears he should be putting on Zee's mind, but rather questions he should ask of Castiel. "I'm going to have to call Cas. Ask him some questions." [style=padding: 0px 10px; font-size: smaller;] Location: NYNY Casino, Las Vegas Wearing: White T-shirt and jeans. Music: Empire of Dirt - Johnny Cash Notes: I think he's decided that he's going to team up with her. For good. Or, at least, as long as she'll let him hulk around. [/style]

[Zee Pritchard]

Zee found herself relaxing in Sam's hold in ways that she hadn't done for so long that it literally urt to do it. Muscles in her back that had been knotted up seemingly since Paul disappeared were softening and easing and it ached quite a lot. But it was also making her feel safe and sheltered and even maybe loved, and that was something she hadn't let herself feel fully since she was thirteen and still carrying the name her parents had given her. Even with Paul, even with Flynn and Louis and Henry and Zaza she'd never felt fit to be loved.

But, and maybe this was the crucial thing, Sam was broken. Sam was damaged, dirtied. Bad. Just like her. He was ragged and hurt and sullied by life, the same as she was, and maybe that meant that she could believe in him. Could let him care about her, because she didn't have to fear that she'd be dirtying him by letting him get close.

And so Zee kept her head on Sam's shoulder, her eyes dropped closed and her body warm and still against him even as she said, "You're a little fuckin' ray of sunshine, aren't you? Sam, I really mean this: if you warn me that I'm going to die because everyone you care about does, I'm going to stab you in the kidney. I'm the only girl you've ever met who knows exactly what she's getting into with you, and with your family."

"And I already asked Castiel and Samil about the Lucifer thing and they said the same thing. That he carries the potential to be the vessel for either Lucifer or Michael and so both their eyes are likely to be on him. But that he's just a baby. Human. Healthy. Swimming happily in the amniotic seas."


[style=font-size: smaller; padding-right: 10px; text-align: right;]
Location: Sam's Hotel Room, NYNY Casino, Las Vegas
Outfit: Sam's undershirt and her jeans, with less makeup than anybody's probably seen on her in years.
Music: Falling - Julee Cruse
Notes: Battle against attaching lost, she's staying.

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